Is Marriage a Given Anymore?

*No. I will not be bedazzling the bottom of my wedding shoes

A few weeks ago I had a general meeting that started the way most of my meetings start lately. The person on the comfy chair opposite my comfy chair said, "so, what's going on in your life?" to which I replied, "well, I'm getting married in May, so mostly that."

Then that person usually replies with something along the lines of wow, congrats, that's soon!, how are things going?, are you so excited for the wedding! I'm a pro at this point, so I know just how to respond: thanks! 6 months away, things are going really well, and yes I'm incredibly excited! 

But on this specific occasion that person did not reply with something along those lines. Instead she said, "congrats! how do you feel about getting married?"

Not, how is the planning going? Band or DJ? Where is the wedding? Do you have your dress? But, what's your state of mind on matrimony?

I wasn't prepared for that question. I think I said something like, "I feel great about it."

More than a few people to whom I recounted this story said, "omg how rude!" (aka the Stephanie Tanner response) but the more I thought about the interaction, the more I appreciated the question. I shouldn't be getting married unless I know how I feel about marriage - not only my pending marriage but marriage in general, right? So yes, it's a bold thing to ask a perfect stranger - almost akin to, "what's your stance on religion," or, "how are you feeling about the existence of a God?" but in an age where marriage is no longer a given, is it really that bold?

Though, maybe that's an even bolder thing to say. Marriage isn't a given. 

We may not have shifted into quite that questionable of a relationship with the institution, but I don't think things are the same as they once were. Take this article in the New York Times (Gay Couples, Choosing to Say 'I Don't). Here's an excerpt:

"Now that same-sex couples in 14 states have all the rights and responsibilities of straight married couples, gay couples are rushing to the altar, right? Not exactly. Plenty of gay couples do not want to marry, and their reasons are as complex � and personal � as any decision to wed. 

For some, marriage is an outdated institution, one that forces same-sex couples into the mainstream. For others, marriage imposes financial burdens and legal entanglements. Still others see marriage not as a fairy tale but as a potentially painful chapter that ends in divorce. And then there are those for whom marriage goes against their beliefs, religious or otherwise."

I don't think this thought process is yet the case for about 75% of the population, but I do think our generation considers marriage in a different light than those previous, perhaps because of conversations like this born out of the gay marriage debate. And I think that's a really good thing.

Before R and I got engaged I thought a lot about whether or not I wanted to get married. I curiously didn't think about whether or not I wanted to be with R. That I've been certain about for a very long time. But I wanted to be sure that when R asked me to marry him my "yes" would be a real and honest answer.  Not, yes, I want to have a wedding! but, yes, I want to be a married person.

My reasons are personal, of course. I didn't share them with the person who asked me in that general meeting, and I'm not going to share them right now. But I think it's important that I have them, and I'm grateful to the state of marriage in our world for forcing me to come up with them, even if it made for a super awkward 30 seconds on a comfy chair.